Well I have made it through Christmas -not without difficult and often poignant moments . It's very hard  to see people out and about  in the festive  spirit when all you can do is think of Christmases past . Veronica loved Christmas  and always  made it very special for the  whole  family .
In many ways it was lucky that I have just had  my  hip replacement operation as that  meant I was very much confined to home  so was not confronted on a daily basis with all things  festive although the first Christmas card through the letter box addressed just to me was emotional to say the least .But with no Christmas  decorations  or tree I could pretty much pretend none of it was happening . When I did venture out  to our local village store  I could feign blindness and  ask for my items to be  collected  and put in my knapsack - I think they are used to my eccentricities now  and humour me .
Now it is New Year's Eve and I suppose I shall have to think about what to do in the future  . Life cannot go on as it is as that would be unbearable but I have absolutely no idea how to reform my life . I will be 75 this  coming year - how does  a 75 year old man  start again ? The questions go racing through my mind - is there time to start over?- Do I want to ? Have I the  energy to? And start what ?
One of my problems is that I am not what I would  call a clubbable man -I have never joined things  except in my youth  when I did amateur dramatics  and cricket . But for most of my life  it was pretty much Veronica  and me - we did things together . I think probably I am fairly unsociable . Don't get me wrong I will stop and chat with anyone but that's as far as it goes after that I am I suppose a loner . The trouble with that  is that without my lifelong partner  I can feel loneliness creeping up on me like an insidious  shadow . The evenings already seem interminable  . True I have Millie  but her political views are not mine , she spends an inordinate amount of time washing and the rest  sleeping .But then that's cats for you .
Perhaps  when I have got totally over my hip op  and I can drive  again and I espy the  first primrose in my Devon hedgerows I shall feel more positive but at the moment the future looks bleak .