I am not really dealing with this grieving process at all well . As the endless days go by I feel less and less inclined to interact with the outside world . People are very well meaning but the very mention of Veronica or seeing something that reminds me of her and my loss reduces me to tears so much so that I have become an embarrassment to myself and would rather avoid company than embrace it . When I get up in the morning the only thing I look forward to is bedtime and even that with some dread as I know my nights will be disturbed .
I have tried returning to my old occupation as an antique dealer but I have little enthusiasm for it . I spend my days trying to find something to do around the house or garden . Admittedly I am not as mobile as I would like to be and hopefully that will change when I have my overdue hip operation in ten days time . Sad though it may seem I am looking forward to being put out for the count for a few hours .
I suspect unless you have been through the process of nursing someone with an illness like PSP over a long period , you can never truly understand how totally and utterly drained you are when your partner dies . It is as though someone has thrown you off a cliff and however much you flap your arms you know you are not going to fly but just spiral down into the abyss .That sounds over dramatic but that's how it feels . I think it is to do with the level of commitment that you undertook nursing your partner and when that goes everything goes - your whole raison d'être is called into question - no routines , no purpose , no-one requiring anything from you .On top of that the one person to whom you were totally committed is gone - it is all so very final .
All the literature and given advice says it will change - time is a healer etc etc but at 74 I don't suppose I have a lot of time and if I am honest I am not sure I really want it anyway .
