Easter Monday and another bank holiday to get through . The weather is awful  and I am tired of the interminable rain - it doesn't do anything to lift already dampened spirits . I don't feel that I am any further down the path of my new life without  Veronica , I have no enthusiasm for the  future . I am listening to Classic FM's top three hundred in their Hall of Fame  and so many pieces evoke  memories  that it is almost impossible to listen to but I am hypnotised  into acquiescence  , I cannot drag myself away , it's  a kind of emotional masochism .
Spring  seems to be stirring  in our  Devon hedgerows  , primroses in the banks and hawthorn hedges turning a soft green but everywhere there is mud , mud  and more mud .The poor lambs in the fields  are looking distinctly soggy and not their usual ebullient selves ; not a lot of skipping and frolicking going on. I know how they feel .
My good news is that my daughter and her husband are moving back from Sussex down to Devon and so will be only half an hour away  , now that is  something to look forward to . Perhaps that will galvanise me into  some kind of activity -who knows . I do hope so  because I can't go on like this , its like being in Limbo waiting for something to happen to change things . If something did happen I am not even sure I would  recognise it  and be able to act on it -everything is fraught with indecision - do I stay in this house  surrounded by happy memories  which at the same time reminds me of everything precious that I have now lost . It sounds as though I am wallowing in self pity - I am not , I just feel blank .