The Grieving Process

I am not really dealing with this  grieving process at all well . As the  endless days  go by I feel less and  less inclined to interact with the outside world . People are very well meaning  but the  very mention of  Veronica  or seeing  something that reminds me of her  and  my loss  reduces  me to tears so much so that I have become  an embarrassment  to myself  and would  rather avoid company than embrace it . When I get  up in the morning the only thing I look forward to is bedtime  and even that with some  dread as I know my nights  will be disturbed .
I have tried returning to my old occupation as  an antique  dealer  but I have little  enthusiasm for it . I spend  my days trying to find something to do  around the  house or  garden . Admittedly I am not as  mobile  as I would like to be   and hopefully that will change when I have  my overdue hip operation  in ten days  time . Sad though it may seem I  am looking forward to  being put out for the  count  for  a few hours .
I suspect unless you have been through the process of nursing  someone  with an illness like PSP over a long period ,  you can never truly  understand how totally and utterly drained  you are when your partner dies . It is  as though  someone has thrown you off a cliff  and however much you flap your arms you know you are not going to fly  but just spiral down into the abyss .That sounds over dramatic but that's how it feels . I think it is to do with the  level of commitment  that you undertook  nursing your partner and when that goes  everything goes - your whole raison d'être  is called into question - no routines  , no purpose , no-one requiring anything from you .On top of that the one person to whom you were totally committed is  gone - it is all so very final .
All the literature  and given advice  says  it will change - time is a healer  etc etc  but at 74  I don't suppose I have a lot of time and if I am honest I am not sure I really want it  anyway .