Well I suppose it is time to make a start. For the  last few  years  , three may be four I have been caring for my wife  who was  suffering from a rare neurological  illness called progressive  supra nuclear  palsy  . It probably manifested itself   a few  years   previously  but it was  along time  before we got a diagnosis . I am not going into the  ins  and outs of the illness  but just to say it was  devastating  as it robbed my wife  of the ability to do anything . It was totally  time consuming being her  full time  carer  and now  sadly she has died  and at the age of 74  , I have to face life without my partner of over  fifty years . I have to make a new start  and deal with things that I have never thought about . So I have decided to chronicle my progress  as best I can .
But where to start , there are so many emotions which cascade over one  , like repeating waterfalls . The grieving process  is overwhelming . Apart  from missing my wife  Veronica  dreadfully ( and I would give anything to have her back although I know that is  selfish of me  as her quality of life was miserable ) I feel a great emptiness . I feel as though I am living in a vacuum waiting for something to happen  yet  knowing that the only things  that will happen are things which I instigate . Yet I have no will or desire to instigate anything . Even as I write  my eyes  fill with tears  , some for my wife  and some  for me  and the huge loneliness that I now  face .
Each morning I wake early  half expecting  , no in fact expecting to hear the movements of the night carers  getting ready to write up their note prior to leaving . But  as I come out of my fitful night's sleep there is nothing , silence . I get up  just the  same even though there is no urgency to start the  day , really there is no urgency left in any part of my life . For the past four years I have been governed by the  caring routine , meals  washing , dressing , medication  and so on now there is nothing for me to do  and it is  frightening .Breakfast and getting the day under way  took two hours or so  now I am done in  a few minutes  and the long day stretches  ahead like a blank canvass . What shall I paint ? I don't know .
"Early days ' people say to me , "it's all very raw " . I am sure they are right  but does it help , not really .I know  that I have got to make an effort  and step outside and rejoin the  world but at the moment I can't  I just want to curl up and die , The silence is deafening - I will do it , I have to but not today .